The loss of a pet is often a child’s first experience of grief. Your child’s pet may be their best friend, their companion and this loss is of course going to have a massive impact of their emotions. Whilst a child’s grief may not last as long as an adults, this does not mean their feelings are any less intense. It can be overwhelming for a child to suddenly feel all of these unfamiliar emotions, in addition to watching their family members grieve themselves. How their first experience of grief is may determine how they deal with future losses, build resilience and develop their emotional intelligence.
Your child may experience a lot of confusion following such a loss and they may struggle to express their emotions verbally, they may display a lot of anger or they may be much more quiet and reserved, it is important to understand that this is just their way of dealing with their grief. Your child may exhibit quite an up and down range of emotions that can change quite quickly, one minute they may be extremely sad, the next they are extremely happy. Please be assured that this is just their way of coping and it is their way of reducing the overwhelming feeling that they may be experiencing.
Depending on a child’s age and developmental level, they may react differently to the loss of their pet, it is not possible to predict how a child will respond, but it is possible to gain an understanding of the possible reactions they may have, this will help you to support them appropriately when they do unfortunately lose their pet. For example, toddlers tend to not have much of an understanding of death and will ask numerous questions about where their pet is, what has happened and why it has happened, make yourself available to answer these questions as best as you can. It is at your discretion how you choose to tell your child about the passing of their pet, you know best when it comes to difficult conversations like this, some parents choose to explain exactly what death is and what it means, whereas others choose to use terminology such as “they have crossed the rainbow bridge” to explain the passing in a lighter way and help their child visualise their pet leaving. It is important that death and grief are explained to a child to allow them to gain an understanding of what has happened and why they are feeling the way they are. This will enable the child to display their emotions appropriately and begin their grieving journey with your support.
Once a child is between 5 and 10 years old they will have more awareness of death and they gain the understanding that death is permanent and that it makes people sad, it is at this age that they may display angry behaviours, they may withdraw from their friends and loved ones or they may put on a brave face and try to be a support system for their family. Any of these responses are normal and it is best to let them grieve as they need to, if they are displaying signs of anger then some children respond well to grounding techniques or being given an outlet for their anger, whether that be somewhere to write down their thoughts, or toys such as a stress ball, if you are concerned about your child’s anger it may be in their best interest to seek further help.
As a child reaches adolescence, they will become more aware of the impact that death can have on their life and at this age they may find it difficult to open up about their feelings although their feelings may be intense, especially if their pet has been with them growing up. It is natural to want your child to open up and talk about how they are feeling, but sometimes it is best to give them their space, allow them to reconcile their thoughts and be with their grief before they want to talk. You can initiate conversations by asking how they are or talking about how you are feeling, using subtle encouragements, but try your best not to ask too often or ask too many questions as this may lead them to talk less. Again, if you have any concerns about your child’s mental health then seek further help for them.
Children with learning disabilities may find it more difficult to understand the concept of death and may need to have death explain to them in a way they can understand better and repeated to them numerous times. When explaining death and grief to SEND (special educational needs and disability) children, it is necessary to communicate with them the way you normally would, make sure they feel comfortable, reassured and don’t overwhelm them with too much information at once, give them time to think about it, feel their emotions and respond how they need to. Some SEND children may seek comfort from sensory inputs, so you may want to keep some of their pet’s belongings for them, keep photos of them nearby, or get them a keepsake to treasure. You may naturally want to avoid conversations about their pet and what has happened as a way to protect your child, however openly having these conversations will allow they to have a greater understanding of death and will welcome open discussions about their emotions.
When supporting a grieving child, it is important to validate their feelings and reassure them that how they are feeling is completely normal, it is okay to feel all of their emotions and it is okay to miss their pet, tell them how you are feeling and give them empathy. Whilst you may naturally want to focus solely on supporting your child through their grief, it is important to also look after yourself and ensure that you do not ignore your own feelings, you are grieving too. Children will often learn how to grieve by mirroring the actions of the adults around them, therefore it is important that you do not hide your grief to allow them to communicate theirs.
As mentioned earlier, some children may benefit from creating a form of memorial for their pet, whether that be keeping a favourite toy or getting a personalised keepsake so they have something tangible to remember them by and get comfort from. If the decision has been made to cremate their pet, here at Legacy Pets we have a selection of handmade keepsakes made by our creative team which are suitable for children to have to keep their beloved pet close to them forever.
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